Saturday, February 27, 2016

A widower again

Suzanne passed from this earthly realm on Jan. 3, 2016 after battling lung cancer for 18 months. We spent those 18 months doing our bucket list, enjoying every drop of life remaining. But now I am left alone once again.

Life sucks for me right now. I miss Suzy's touch, her voice, her gentle presence.
I just turned 70. What is left for me now? I have reconnected with my family, but they live two days' drive from here. I am impatient for the wheel to finish turning and bring me to a new path, a new life, a new love. I need love in my life; I need someone to love and to love me.

What are the odds of having two wives die of cancer? Ironically the first wife who divorced me after 26 years of marriage is still alive and kicking. We are close again due to our children and grandchildren, but the embers of our flame are long dead.

I am tired of death. My sister Mary died of lung cancer just 19 days after Suzanne. Last week was her memorial service. I feel drained, unmoored, drifting aimlessly. I am unmotivated to do anything. There is a big hole in me where my heart used to beat.

I attend two grief support groups, see my therapist once a week and am reading books about widowerhood. But nothing really seems to ease the pain. Everyone says it takes time, a long time. But I don't have time to waste waiting around for my life to restart itself again. I know all too well how short life is.

Since I retired 4 years ago, I lack the structure of work to return to. I have a smattering of friends with whom I can talk and have lunch, but they cannot fill the hole where Suzanne used to be. I'm afraid I will feel like a fifth wheel in social situations where Suzy & I were once at home.

So it seems as if the universe has decided that my job is to love women like they've never been loved before and then watch helplessly as cancer or divorce takes them away from me.

Then I am alone again.

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