What was I thinking?

We've been hosting my wife's 15 year-old niece all week on her spring break.
Being around a teenager makes me remember my own youth.

I was 16 when I met my future wife, who was 14 at the time.
I was a Junior in High School, and she a Freshman.
She was the first girl I ever dated seriously.

After our third date I asked her to "go steady,"
in the now archaic parlance of those days.









I hadn't even received my high school ring yet,
so I gave her my Junior Civitan pin to wear that night,










and the next day I went to the drug store
and bought her a simple silver ring
to wear on a chain around her neck.








I first had my mom try on the chain
to see if it was the right length,














since she was about the same height as my girlfriend,
and this was the first piece of jewelry I had ever gotten for a girl.
I remember my mom was very happy for me.

The date was January 12, 1962,













a date that we celebrated ever after
as our "first anniversary."
We celebrated 31 of those
before dissolving our union 1994,
but that's another story for another blog.

Being around a giggling, silly 15 year-old this week
who's actually a year OLDER than my ex wife was at the time
that I formed what I thought would be a permanent relationship
makes me wonder about the forces drove me
to make that commitment
so early in my life.











I was desperate to break out of the prison of my parents' home,









to get away from the constant criticism,
never being able to live up to my dad's expectations,
always disappointing them.

I was a constant disappointment,
never living up to my potential.

("Potential" meaning my ability to get good grades
and compete in life's rat race
for the biggest prize.)








But I've learned through 60 years of living
that I never will
meet those expectations.

I was desperate then for someone to love,
and for someone to love me.
She too was desperate to escape from her parents,
their criticisms,













their petty bickering with one another,










the lopsided way they treated her like a house servant
while lavishing unconditional affection on her younger sister.
She wanted to feel my arms wrapped around her







and to escape into a world
that we would create
for ourselves.

The Vietnam War was raging at the time I graduated from High School (1964),











and young men like me were cannon fodder.














And so off to college I went,







on the parental dole for four years,
safe from the Army's clutches
and the embrace of the body bag.










I never knew why I was there,
except to try to fulfill my parents' expectations,
stay out of the trenches
and earn a sheepskin








with which I hoped one day to support a family.











That was supposed to be enough of a reason,
for the son of a man who had pulled himself up
by his own bootstraps,
coming to DC during the Great Depression















with $50 and a suitcase
to put himself through law school
with no help from his own father.

By the middle of my college years
I had committed myself to my girlfriend
by the purchase of an engagement ring.












We kept it a secret from my parents,
fearing my dad would pull the financial plug on me,
forcing me out of college
and into the military
and likely death or dismemberment.
But he found out through a friend we had told,
who told his father,
who was a friend of my dad.
He was very disappointed in me,
and sad that I didn't tell him first,
but like I said,
I was always a disappointment to him.














So we continued our engagement through my college years,
marrying the day before my graduation in June 1968,
six weeks before my induction into Navy Officer Candidate School.
The Tet Offensive had occurred just months prior,
so it seemed like a safer bet to be on a ship instead of in a foxhole.














And so I applied for Navy OCS in my Junior year in college and was accepted.
Four and a half months later I was commissioned as an Ensign.















After just 11 1/2 months of commissioned service,
the Navy decided to let me go
two years ahead of schedule.

And so, after a frantic search
I landed a job with C&P Telephone Company,















and within six and a half months we started our family.

I worked hard for 29 years at the phone company,
never knowing exactly why I was there,
except I was lucky to get the job,
it was a steady paycheck,
and it supported my family.

Now, after all these years
I look back and question my motivations.

Did I do the right things for the wrong reasons?
The wrong things for the right reasons?
The wrong things for the wrong reasons?
or the right things for the right reasons?

I suppose maybe it really doesn't matter now.

I did keep the family together for 26 years
and raised two children to maturity
who are today reasonably healthy in mind and body.

I have established a rich and loving relationship with my son,
which is more than I can say for my own father
or his father.

And now that I review my own actions
and the motivations for my actions as a young teenager,
I must conclude that I was very mature for my age
and chose wisely
from the choices that were available to me.

Sure, I can second-guess myself,
about choice of mate,
about choice of college versus professional musician,
about choice to comply with my dad's wishes
instead of openly rebelling,
but who's to say that any other choices
would have worked out any better for me
than the ones I made?

I think I made a pretty good life for myself
and my family.

I think my dad would have been proud of me,
but in the end
it doesn't matter what he
or anyone else
thinks
or would have thought
about me.

Because I'm the one
who must live my life.

The demise of the American dream

I see a perfect storm coming.





















Fiscal irresponsibility by the current administration in the form of unproductive tax give-aways to the rich












and a morally irresponsible war




















has turned a record surplus into a record deficit in record time.


















My grandchildren will be burdened with this debt.





















We incarcerate the largest percentage of our citizens of any developed country. Those incarcerated cannot pay taxes, and society is thus doubly burdened.
















We fail to educate our children, and these failings are growing worse. More parents who can afford to are sending their children to private schools, and these very parents would be the ones who would otherwise push for better public schools. The consequent dumbing-down of the electorate means that the coming generation will be unable to (1) compete with those in other countries for jobs or (2) decide for themselves about important issues of public policy.















Today's young people spend more of their time plugged into their Ipods, cell phones and computers instead of becoming informed about important issues.


















America is rapidly losing its productive capacity. More and more jobs are going overseas, thus creating a burden for society to support more and more people who cannot support themselves. The employment rate doesn't tell the story. We can't support a nation on burger-flipping.





















Global warming is real. The recent two hurricane seasons are just the beginning. More of these killer storms will decimate our coastlines and further burden society with homeless people and the need to rebuild damaged infrastructure.

















Our transportation system is too dependent on oil and rubber tires. We've let our railway system slide into disrepair; we transport too much by truck instead of train.





















Many interstate arteries have already been built to the limit of the rights-of-way, and before long there will be nowhere for the road builders to expand. Too many cities like Nashville are putting off the building of commuter rail systems, so that when it becomes inevitable, the costs of building them will be prohibitive.




















Many of our cities and states are verging on bankruptcy. They cannot raise taxes, and yet unmet needs increase every year. Privately, Americans are deeply in debt. We don't save; we are borrowed to the hilt. When the housing bubble bursts, many folks will simply be out on the street.





















American political discourse is becoming increasingly shrill, dominated by non-issues like gay marriage and abortion instead of real issues like education and health care.



















Media monopolies make more money putting on shouting matches that pass for political discourse.
















Public radio and TV is now our only source for unbiased information. If this outlet is ever silenced (which has been attempted), we will be completely blinded to the truth. The Pentagon Papers would never be published today, and Edward R. Murrow would never take on Joe McCarthy today. The Age of Giants is over.




































Did I mention health care? We have the most expensive and least effective health care system in the developed world. Where does the money go? Certainly not to patient care or to preventive measures. The system is rigged so that the big corporations get what they want; the patient is at the bottom of the food chain.
















Politics is dominated by moneyed interests. Politicians at the federal and state level are increasingly beholden to the big interests that pay for their increasingly expensive campaigns. And why are political campaigns so expensive? Because air time is purchased, of course, from the mega-corporations that control the media. Increasing consolidation in the media has created a virtual monopoly, which these corporations can exploit to extract maximum profits.
















Deregulation is touted as the solution by the neo-cons.





















But people easily forget that regulations were created for a reason - because monopolies will naturally act like monopolies. Human nature never changes. When you remove the public's control over these behemoths, don't expect them to act any differently than the robber barons of the 19th century.














Our standard of living is eroding badly. My father was able to raise himself up from blue-collar to middle class status within his own generation. I was barely able to hold onto middle-class status and send my children to college. However, I despair that my children will never be able to afford to send their own children to college, and so our family will slip farther down the socioeconomic ladder, along with the rest of our society.

American society is becoming increasingly polarized along economic, religious and political lines. The underclass is growing while the few very rich become obscenely richer.

















The values that made this country great, including our heritage of freedom of speech






















and freedom of religion (which includes freedom from religion)















are being steadily eroded by the increasing centralization of the media and a stifling of public debate, as illegal wiretaps and warrantless physical searches become commonplace.
















We are becoming just like our old nemesis, the Soviet Union.


















Except that control is being vested, not in the central government, but in an unelected tyranny of rich monopolists that buy and sell the lawmakers who are supposed to represent US.
















The American Dream is turning into a nightmare.










Thomas Jefferson must be turning over in his grave.



















However, history teaches us that all societies have their rise and their fall.









We had a good run, but we just didn't have the balls to maintain it.